Things I Don’t Understand About the Fair


We went to the fair this past weekend. The fair, like Walmart, is always an interesting place to go. And, like Walmart, there’s a lot I don’t really understand about the fair. For example:

Turkey Leg On a Stick
These things are ridiculously large.  There’s no glamorous way to eat one. I don’t recommend them for first date food. Unless you think smeared grease on your face is sexy.

Girls Who Dress Up
Ladies, this is not The Notebook. You will not meet Ryan Gosling here. And even if you do, chances are pretty good he’s not into smeared grease on your face from your Turkey Leg on a stick.

$6.00 a Ride
That’s three tokens each for a ride that’s shorter than a shower.

The Dentist’s Booth 
Last year they had a giant molar tooth kids could write on with a dry erase marker then “clean off” with a dry erase wipe. This doesn’t teach my toddlers anything except to go home and color their teeth with a sharpie 

The House of Mirrors 
I don’t get it. You walk around a building with a bunch of weird shaped mirrors. It costs you four tokens. That’s $8 you wasted when you could’ve done the same thing for free at Home Depot in the home section. IF you really want to make it worth while throw in a few clowns to chase people around. 

Paid Parking
Ten dollars for parking. Because the rides aren’t expensive enough. 

Funnel Cakes
Grease that’s so deep fried its crust turns into crust and then sold in pizza-sized boxes. Somewhere people should be investing stock in coronary angioplasty technology. 

The Ferris Wheel
This is by far the biggest rip-off. First off you are not allowed to swing your bucket. Second, the entire ride is letting people off and on. You go all the way around once then get off the ride, one car at a time. 

Inflatable Prizes
Over 70 percent of the prizes I saw at the last fair were inflatable. I don’t want these because:

  • They’re cheap.
  • My kids will have them popped by the time we get to the car.
  • I didn’t blow it up, and I have no idea where your mouth has been. 

If I’m paying over twenty-dollars just to play the squirt gun game, why would I want an inflatable snake? Make this worth my while because for thirty more dollars I can by pass the fixed basketball hoops and go to the humane society and get a kitten.

Stilt Guy
Does anyone know if this is a main character on American Horror Story: Circus? Because if not, it should be.

Still, the fair is an entertaining place to go on a warm summer night. A place where kids can have fun, families can make memories, and girls can dress up in their best sequins—you know, for Ryan Gosling. Dreaming of their notebook-esque evening, but really ending up with a greasy face full of funnel cake instead. 

© Copyright Christina Antus, 2015.

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  1. says

    Haha, these are all true. Plus the powdered sugar from the funnel cake gets everywhere. Doesn’t stop me from eating it though. I may even have once licked my shirt.

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