Don’t make me count to three. Because I have no idea what to do when I get there.
There’s no “one…two… two and a half…” in this house because I’m not a fan of fractions. Let’s face it, using percentages to get to three would unnecessarily complicate things. In this house, there’s just a lot of slow counting.
There’s a lot of things I have to do as a parent that make me feel ridiculous: potty training, disciplining, and instructing another person on how to pick up their toys. I’ve also said some pretty ridiculous things in my life, but not as much as since becoming a parent. I say things to my kids I’ve never had to say to other people like: “Don’t put your sandwich in your sock.” A few days ago I was having a conversation with my four-year-old about why cats don’t have lips, when I realized 90 percent of anything anyone in our house says is ridiculous. For example, here are 25 actual things I’ve said in the last 48 hours:
- No one is getting any candy until they finish their Pop-Tarts.
- Let’s be a horse later and teethbrusher now.
- Don’t lick the window.
- Did you wipe?
- Are you sure?
- Get your finger out of your nose.
- Get your finger out of her nose.
- Get your finger out of my nose.
- Why are your pants on your head?
- Your underwear is on sideways.
- Nobody is getting the yellow pony!
- We don’t sit on the cat.
- Why are you pinching me?
- Get you finger out of your ear.
- Get your finger out of her ear.
- Get your finger our of my ear.
- Stop doing that, you’re not a horse.
- Dirty Band-aids go in the trash, not on the wall.
- Stop eating your hair and please eat your chicken.
- Why is your sock in your mouth?
- You can’t eat just barbecue sauce for dinner.
- Please stop looking at yourself in the mirror and help me put your pajama pants on.
- I don’t hear any sleeping going on in here.
- The cats don’t eat apples.
- Carrots aren’t cars.
I could go on forever. Start a weekly post of new stuff.
Until now, I’ve never really sat down and taken a look at what it is I say to my children. Teaching common sense is a part of parenting the What to Expect books left out. After all, if our kids instinctively knew they weren’t supposed to eat their hair, then we’d all be going to work with sandwiches in our shoes.